state of life

For those who wondered at the bizarreness of the last post, a tiny defence- it was written in a state of near delirium. As I was struggling to stay put in office, my pounding head was creating in-the-body sensations I was trying to escape by typing away. And though the fever went off in a week, it has taken me a while recovering the confidence to write and for my life to provide me with something to write about. Much was written in-the-head and disintegrated right there. A post about me conquering the swimming pool collapsed (and along with it the dreams of conquering rivers and seas), my stint in the pool abruptly ended just as I showed sings of more than just floating. But hope floats and maybe next season, I may survive longer. And while the rest of the world went on about the feeling of being there and having done it all and having nothing to look forward to, here I was with all the to-do lists and no where near crossing any thing off yet. But now, I have seen Chak De (and relieved to have actually seen it finally for I was getting left out of social conversation a little too often and was under threat of losing my reputation as a film buff), read the final harry potter (on my computer, the first and hopefully the last time I ever read a novel like that), splurged money on the clothes I don’t really need. Even my car revs up so delightfully these days, having got a face rather engine lift to tide over its mid-life crisis. Through all this I have acquired intimate insight of what it feels like to be a third world country caught in a debt trap. Confusions have re-risen about career moves and whether what I am doing is what I want and whether I want this for the rest of my life and do I even know what I want. With spondilysis making an entry in my life and my landlady landing up soon to harangue me on the lack of cleanliness in my house (I don’t clean door hinges, mirrors, buckets, taps, floor mat and the soap dish everyday u see) I should be all set for as many battles as I could wish for- against imperialism, capitalism, the culture of elitism, competitiveness, consumerism, unhealthy lifestyles et al. The thing is, I am too tired to fight. I may get just bored half-way. I do wish I was a warrior sometimes.