word weary

My maternal grandfather was a man of strong will and many quirks. It’s a lethal combination, as is apparent. In the last decade of his life, this lead to many exasperating experiences for his immediate family. One of these quirks was a penchant for going into ‘mauna vratams’, i.e. taking a vow to not utter a single word for a whole day. Given his restless nature and levels of disenchantment with religion- something he probably didn’t acknowledge himself- a day of silence did not mean a day devoted to meditation or quiet reading or even tele-viewing. In fact he chose those very days to visit sundry relatives and friends, carry out random tasks at the bank or worse schedule important meetings. These led to hilarious and rather embarrassing situations (for those who accompanied him as translator/interpreter/whatever) where he would communicate through writing and sign language and occasionally give into an outburst induced by the non comprehending faces of those unfortunate souls he was meeting up with.

What was about this vow that he sought to take but could implement only in letter not in spirit? Why am I thinking about it now? The past few months have been the wordiest in my life, I have been incessantly talking. To different kinds of people. In different tones. Persuading, requesting, questioning. Angrily, despondently, formally, informally. Planning, discussing, updating. Typing, chatting, writing. Wondering what had to be said and what not to be said. Analysing how things were said- by me, by others. Putting down the phone, and then starting all over again.

And when it all got over, without a victory to celebrate, the one thing I wanted most was silence. That’s when my grandfather’s clumsy experiments came to mind. He was never a garrulous type, but he wasn’t the silent one either. And yet he wished days of no conversations. I need to block out too, but I keep getting back to it. I seek silence, but keep having to say it. Usually when I am done with something, I feel empty for any communication. But this time, the words keep flowing, I don’t even know whether I am making any sense. I even feel detached from my words- it’s a weird feeling where I don’t remember the last words I had just uttered or one part of my brain can see me saying things and wondering what the hell am I up to. I am perpetually distracted by myself, lol.

Yes, I do need to take a vow, a word fast. But will my genes allow me to implement it?